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Import and Export

I amaze myself sometimes.  Things I find important in life tend to astound me.  I feel myself pulling myself in so many directions that I end up simply wanting more hours in the day.  I enjoy being a geek, and I can't really imagine my life if it did not contain at least a portion of that culture.  But I look back sometimes and wonder at all of the things I sacrificed for that cause.  I wonder the thing which everyone wonders throughout their lives: I wonder if I truly lived.  Have I given up too much, have I gained too little?

I feel as if I have left parts of my life behind.  I seem to have shed my skin a number of times as I look back.  I wonder if I have shut doors that will never be opened again.

The biggest feeling that continually nags at me is the concept of ability.  There are many things that I do well, and probably even a few which I do great.  But I feel like my name will never be next to the word exceptional.  Despite any talent I have, any ability I possess, I wonder at my power to truly be peerless.  Maybe I need to simply become more okay with my place in the world, but one of the things I have never been is someone who gives up.

The flip side of that coin is the knowledge that as my life goes on, my interests change.  Friends I thought I would keep get lost in the hustle of life.  Hobbies and talents which I enjoyed immensely are left behind as I move on.  Maybe that is why I wonder if I will ever be great, because I wonder if anything will hold my attention long enough for me to master it.

My allotted time for complaining has now come to an end.  There is something on the horizon, I can feel it in my bones, and I feel as if I have yet to be tested to the limits of my being.  The time is coming when the decisions I have made will seem light and transient by comparison.  I only hope that I will be up to the occasion.

"I hope I shall possess firmness and virtue enough to maintain what I consider the most enviable of all titles, the character of an honest man."
-George Washington

What a Long, Strange Trip It's Been

It seems like the time for me to come climbing out of my hole again.  It is interesting, looking back, to see how many times I have done just this... not posting for months at a time, and then suddenly reappearing on the stage.

Like past times, so many things have changed.  I am one semester closer to being finished with school, a surreal feeling to say the least, and more than a little daunting to be honest.  But I have always done rather well with change, so it is not something I am overly worried about or losing sleep over.

The Martini Room is finally off the ground.  That one is still a little daunting for a myriad of reasons.  I am not sure where my responsibilities lie, and it feels like I have been getting it wrong more than right.  I am still not exactly sure what Tara wants from me, but I am beginning to suspect that she simply expects me to be perfect.  This has been the cause of a decent level of stress in the past week or two.  But this too will pass, and I will figure out my role in all of it.

I feel more and more as if I have less advice to give to people.  I would not say that I am getting dumber, or forgetting where I stand on matters, only that I have nothing to contribute to people's lives.  I think it is linked to the fact that I feel as if I am floundering right now, trying like crazy to keep my head above water.  Again, this will pass with time, it simply is not a feeling I enjoy.

There is more I could say, discussing life in general, being a boyfriend, the joys of playing WoW again, life as a manager (not really any more glamorous than before, just more hectic).  But now just does not feel like the time for that.  I will say that the fire to work on The List has returned as hot as ever.  But that too is for a different post.

Audacity

We are about to live in unprecedented times in America.  In less than three months, we will have our first black President of the United States.  To be perfectly honest, I am pleased with the way things turned out last night.  Is Barack Obama perfect?  No, ladies and gentlemen, he is not.  Will he solve all of our problems in four short years (or even in eight)?  My guess is, once again, a resounding no.  Do I think he was the better choice?  Most certainly.

For the record, I have not read Obama's book, nor paid extremely close attention to all of the debates and campaigning, so my opinion is less than scholarly.  But I stand by my opinion.  I think it's time for a President who inspires, one whom we cheer for and praise instead of worrying about how they might damage our country or which tabloid they will end up in.  Is Barack Obama the right man for this job?  Frankly, I have no idea, but I like to hope so.  And that is what it comes down to for me... I would rather cast my ballot with someone who hopes than someone who attempts to instill fear.

I do not know how the next four years will play out.  But I have hope in Obama, in our nation's ability to once again aspire to that idea of progress and looking forward to, and working toward a better tomorrow.  Kennedy said in his speech at Rice in 1962 that we were choosing to go to the moon because it is hard, not because it is easy.  My hope is that this President will have the audacity to do the hard things, to work to bring knowledge, peace and prosperity to this nation and to the world.  In the words of Red, "I hope."

"If knowledge can create problems, it is not through ignorance that we can solve them."
-Isaac Asimov

The Other Side of the Mountain

Six weeks.  That's how long Amber Lee and I have been dating.  I never really thought that life would be perfect, I still have at least a little bit of realism running around in my psyche for me to believe that.  On the whole, life has been good.  My free time is essentially gone, a thing of the past, but this is a blessing rather than a curse, and I enjoy thoroughly spending time with my girlfriend.

Today, however, I miss her.  It's odd... up until now it has been me who has left... for work or class.  Now that she has a job, I must adjust to the fact that she will be gone at times as well.  The worst part is that two months ago, had I been left alone on a Saturday afternoon, I would have had no problem with it; I would have found or made something for myself to do.  But now I feel lost, unable to focus or concentrate.  There is a large part of me that simply wants to pull the covers over my head and wait for her to come home.

This feeling is very strange for me.  I am used to being self-sufficient, able to stand on my own.  To become dependent, or interdependent upon/with someone else is all-together new to me.  From one standpoint, I guess you could view this as us growing closer together, becoming more accustomed to being around each other, missing each other when we're gone.  But another side of me wishes I had my own desire for action back.  Maybe it will come tonight when I am at work.  Maybe I am simply in a funk because of the weather, or because I am not doing the school work that I know I should be doing.

One good thing is that I have rather lost interest in video games.  They simply do not hold any allure for me anymore.  I have been slowly growing in this direction, but I can honestly say that I have had no desire to play any sort of video game at all today, despite being bored.  Instead I re-arranged my room and am working on cleaning the bathrooms (which could definitely use some TLC).

Well, time to clean and then to get ready for work.

Because Facebook Told Me So

This morning Facebook informed me that I was in a relationship.  I knew that I was dating her, and that we really liked each other.  But until this morning, I wasn't really sure that I had a girlfriend.  Isn't it funny how that works, that a website is necessary for me to understand/confirm my relationship status?

The semester, as I said before, is shaping up to be an interesting one.  Time is one of those words whose meaning eludes me.  Sleep isn't far behind.  But life is going well.

It's been a while (to put it mildly) since I have actually had a girlfriend.  I've dated girls over the past few years, but nothing serious ever came out of it.  I am finding that it brings it's own level of joy and stress to any given situation.  But the joy certainly outweighs any of the negatives associated with the relationship (at least for me).

It simply helps me to remember that we are social creatures.  And while that can be difficult at times, my days have definitely been better, and Amber Lee has certainly been a large part of that.

On a final note, somehow I managed to jump ladders without realizing it (though to be honest guys rarely know which ladder they are on until it is too late).  So, I think I've earned a gold star for the week.

Kinda Like Spraying Febreeze All Over It

At the end of last semester, I was just about ready to throw my arms in the air and just walk away from school.  I do not know exactly what it was, and I doubt it was any one thing that led me to feel disgruntled (to put it mildly) toward continuing my Seminary education.

Because of this, I did not do much this past summer.  I was effectively a recluse, hiding away from the world.  In a way, it was a pretty lame way to spend a summer.  But it also gave me a chance to rebuild my resolve, to focus and find direction again.

I have now made it through one week of the fall semester at Emmanuel.  This semester will be daunting to say the least.  I have two classes that are reading intensive, one that is exclusively reading, and Hebrew (which is it's own nightmare).  To sum it up, my nose will be in a book for a couple of hours each day in order for me to get everything read that needs to be.  Despite this, I am rather excited about this semester and what it has to offer.  I am looking forward to my classes, the discussions and the challenges that are presented.  I might not feel this way in three months, but at least for now, operation "Summer Rejuvenation" seems to have worked.

On top of this, as mentioned before, I have started playing Ultimate again.  And I will be working more than I have in the past as well, participating more heavily in church, and I want to spend more time playing with my little metal toys.  In the end, this means that I really will not have much free time left to goof off.  But I have found that I am usually the type of person who does better, not worse in such circumstances, and so I hope that I can finish out my classes at Emmanuel with strength and power.

I now understand why many ministers take sabbaticals.  Sometimes we need simply to take some time away from our own lives and just let God heal us.  We can quickly and easily become caught up in worry and fear about our lives, we can be led to frustration, anger or depression.  We simply have to realize that while that time of healing and cleansing is good and necessary, when it is over, it becomes time once again to work diligently for the causes that surround us, for the goals set for us and the road ahead of us.  It is certainly okay to take time to relax.  But for me, the time of relaxing is over, and the harvest is here.  It is time to go to work.

175 Grams of Torture

Today was a beautiful day in East Tennessee.  Maybe a little warm, but still beautiful.

After church I decided that I was going to spend at least part of the day outside, doing something.  What it was did not much matter to me; I needed some fresh air and could definitely use the exercise.  Looking around online, I discovered that the guys I used to play disc with at ETSU had formed a club team and were playing today around three o'clock.  So I decided to join them.

This afternoon did two things for me.  One, it renewed my love of the sport of ultimate.  I don't know what it is about chasing a disc around that gets to me, but I admit that it does, and I will gladly chase it to the ends of the earth if that is what is required.  And I do really love this game.  I haven't played an actual game of ultimate in months, but after 5 minutes I was back in.

The problem came in the sixth minute, and persisted for the next sixty-five minutes.  I am horribly out of shape.  Not just a little rough around the edges, but very, very bad.  I almost could not believe how bad it was.  So not only were my skills rusty and my timing off, but I had no speed or energy to speak of.

Somehow, despite my performance, people seemed genuinely glad to have me out, and I'll start showing up at practices.  Hopefully this swift kick in the rear will help me to get back into shape, as will playing disc instead of just trying to run around.  I don't really know what the difference is, but for me it separates a laborious task from something I enjoy.

P.S.  If you don't believe or understand just how much I love this sport, scroll back to some of my earliest posts.  References to ultimate and posts dedicated thereto are scattered throughout.

Travelling East

In search of light.  That is the goal of a Freemason, to become enlightened, educated and raised as a brother among equals.  The ideals of the Masonic Order place equality, charity, service, right living, honor and compassion as high and noble causes to obtain.  Despite the critical looks I garner, I am glad to call myself a Mason.

In less than two days, I will be raised as a Master Mason.  I will be accepted fully into a brotherhood that has existed for over 300 years, that predates this nation and encompasses many of her founding fathers.  I have often mentioned being part of something bigger than myself.  Thinking back on the history of this Order I cannot help feeling a bit overwhelmed at the idea of being fully integrated within the Masons.

I won't bore anyone with the history, or how I feel about becoming part of it.  Suffice it to say that Tuesday evening will be one of those milestones in my life, a moment that I will look back on and remember.  The language used, to weight of the words as I give my third and final obligation to this Order already brings a quickening to my heart, anticipation brewing within.

One last time I will travel east, in search of light that I might become a better man, just and upright, able to square my life and encompass my passions.  I will obligate myself again to the Order, and rise an equal and brother to all worthy Masons.

"We're not a secret society.  We're just a society with some secrets."

Zero For One, Cowboy

The masters tournament for Warmachine/Hordes at GenCon progresses over three days.  My goal was to win my first two games, making it to the top 32 players and into the second day.  I lost my first game, literally, by half an inch.  My hopes were shattered by a tape measure.  Figuring I had at least learned my lesson, I went on to the second game of the day, confident that I would at least get one win under my belt.  And then I lost my second game because of another mistake I made.

Making a mistake in a miniatures game perturbs me.  I am better than that.  Those are stupid mistakes to make.  The good news is that I can learn from my mistakes and come back to the board better the next time around.  Screwing up in real life isn't always so kind.

I try to avoid mistakes, to avoid stepping on toes or upsetting those around me.  Losing a game is easy because then the game is over.  There aren't the bad feelings, hurt, pain, loss that accompany messing up with someone else.  Relationships, in any manner, are much more difficult.  Life is not just a game.  We can't just get up and walk away when we screw up.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I screwed up with a friend.  The mistake was honestly rather simple.  And I'm an idiot for not seeing it.  I wish I could press an easy button and reset the whole thing, just start a new game over with this new knowledge.  Unfortunately life doesn't exactly work like that.  Instead I must now hope and trust that the person I hurt will be willing to get over their pain, realize that I had no intention of hurting them, and accept my apology.

But as I have said, being anti-social is not the answer to this problem.  Rather, I must simply learn to man up, admit my mistakes, and work dilligently to not repeat them.  In the context of Warmachine, this is how players become better.  In real life, it is how character is built.  I have to be willing to take a couple on the chin if I am really going to improve myself.

"You have earned your pair."
    -Legends, page 5

Reading

Upon his arrival to Emmanuel, Dr. Jason Bembry gave the students the following advice: to read fiction.  It is easy to get caught up in theological debates in a place like this.  To wonder about which method of understanding the Bible, baptism, communion or any of a plethora of other questions should be answered and addressed.  It's easy to get lost in the musings of Barth, Calvin, Aquinas and others.  It's easy to focus intently on Greek and Hebrew, attempting to root out what Paul meant in his letters or the message that the Jewish prophets were attempting to convey to God's chosen People.

These exercises are necessary.  The academic study of the Christian religion is an integral part of our faith.  But there is much more required than just research and theological questioning.  I am often reminded that while the information is certainly useful and helpful, I still need to ground myself in the rest of the world as well.  A minister who loses connection with those being ministered to is, in the end, not really worth much.  Constantly I find myself trying to take the concepts I learn in class and apply them to situations and people I meet on an everyday basis.  Some of these people are practicing Christians, and others would have nothing to do with religion, but are interested in seeing me sweat it out.

In short, Dr. Bembry's advice was to remind us seminarians that there is a larger world out there, and we are called to participate in it, to relate to it, to speak into it.  Without this ability, all of our questioning and musing really isn't worth much either.

To be honest, I enjoyed hearing the advice, as someone who is a rather avid reader of fiction already.  And there are thoughts that even fiction writers can evoke from us, and emotions that can be stirred.  I'll choose two passages from two of my favorite books to show you what I mean.  They are American Gods by Neil Gaiman, who happens to be (in my opinion) one of the best writers on the planet today, and Terry Prachett, who while less serious than Gaiman, is no less talented.

    None of this can actually be happening.  If it makes you more comfortable, you could simply think of it as a metaphor.  Religions are, by definition, metaphors, after all: God is a dream, a hope, a woman, an ironist, a father, a city, a house of many rooms, a watchmaker who left his prize chronometer in the desert, someone who loves you--even, perhaps, against all evidence, a celestial being whose only interest in to make sure your football team, army, business, or marriage thrives, prospers and triumphs over all opposition.
    Religions are places to stand and look and act, vantage points from which to view the world.
    So none of this is happening.  Such things could not occur.  Never a word of it is literally true.  Even so, the next thing that happened, happened like this:
                -American Gods

    I WILL GIVE YOU A LIFT BACK, said Death, after a while.
    "Thank you.  Now.. tell me..."
    WHAT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED IF YOU HADN'T SAVED HIM?
    "Yes!  The sun would have risen just the same, yes?"
    NO.
    "Oh come on.  You can't expect me to believe that.  It's an astronomical fact."
    THE SUN WOULD NOT HAVE RISEN.
    She turned on him.
    "It's been a long night, Grandfather!  I'm tired and I need a bath!  I don't need silliness!"
    THE SUN WOULD NOT HAVE RISEN.
    "Really?  The what would have happened, pray?"
    A MERE BALL OF FLAMING GAS WOULD HAVE ILLUMINATED THE WORLD.
    They walked in silence for a moment.
    "Ah," said Susan dully.  "Trickery with words.  I would have thought you'd have been more literal-minded than that."
    I AM NOTHING IF NOT LITERAL-MINDED.  TRICKERY WITH WORDS IS WHERE HUMANS LIVE.
    "All right," said Susan.  "I'm not stupid.  You're saying humans need... fantasies to make life bearable?"
    REALLY?  AS IF IT WAS SOME KIND OF PINK PILL?  NO.  HUMANS NEED FANTASY TO BE HUMAN.  TO BE THE PLACE WHERE THE FALLING ANGEL MEETS THE RISING APE.
    "Tooth fairies?  Hogfathers?  Little--"
    YES.  AS PRACTICE.  YOU HAVE TO START OUT LEARNING TO BELIEVE THE LITTLE LIES.
    "So we can believe the bigs ones?"
    YES.  JUSTICE.  MERCY.  DUTY.  THAT SORT OF THING.
    "They're not the same at all!"
    YOU THINK SO?  THEN TAKE THE UNIVERSE AND GRIND IT DOWN TO THE FINEST POWDER ANS SIEVE IT THROUGH THE FINEST SIEVE AND THEN SHOW ME ONE ATOM OF JUSTICE, ONE MOLECULE OF MERCY.  AND YET-- Death waved a hand.     AND YET YOU ACT AS IF THERE IS SOME IDEAL ORDER IN THE WORLD, AS IF THERE IS SOME... SOME RIGHTNESS IN THE UNIVERSE BY WHICH IT MAY BE JUDGED.
    "Yes, but people have got to believe that, or what's the point--"
    MY POINT EXACTLY.
    She tried to assemble her thoughts.
    THERE IS A PLACE WHERE TWO GALAXIES HAVE BEEN COLLIDING FOR A MILLIONS YEARS, said Death, apropos of nothing.  DON'T TRY TO TELL ME THAT'S RIGHT.
    "Yes, but people don't think about that," said Susan.  "Somewhere there was a bed..."
    CORRECT.  STARS EXPLODE, WORLDS COLLIDE, THERE'S HARDLY ANYWHERE IN THE UNIVERSE WHERE HUMANS CAN LIVE WITHOUT BEING FROZEN OR FRIEND, AND YET YOU BELIEVE THAT A... A BED IS A NORMAL THING.  IT IS THE MOST AMAZING TALENT.
    "Talent?"
    OH, YES.  A VERY SPECIAL KIND OF STUPIDITY.  YOU THINK THE WHOLE UNIVERSE IS INSIDE YOUR HEADS.
    "You make us sound mad," said Susan.  A nice warm bed...
    NO.  YOU NEED TO BELIEVE IN THINGS THAT AREN'T TRUE.  HOW ELSE CAN THEY BECOME?
                      -Hogfather