Divining the secrets of my mind

Bigger Than Me

One of the questions that is constantly going through my head is that of the impact I am making.  I have never been one to believe that I will greatly impact human history or the course of the world.  But the question still stands:  what have I done, or will do in order to leave my mark upon this world?

For myself, I have always pictured my life as being part of something else, something bigger than I am.  I do not consider myself to be sentimental, but there is something that resonates within me when I am associated with something grand.

I guess the question that I am wrestling with is simple.  What is the difference between existing and living?  That unquantifiable asset that changes one's outlook on life.  I am not talking about enjoyment as much as fulfillment, and while the two are related, they are not the same.

Perhaps it comes with having something to live for.  Though I finished my semester at school, the twinges of apathy still wreak their own havoc on me.  I hope to get some of my luster back next week as I travel back to Columbia.  I hope to rediscover the meaning and purpose of my life.  I desire, as I always have, to live life to the fullest.  I have no need for the entire world to know who I am, only a need that my life was filled with something.

"You know the Greeks didn't write obituaries.  They only asked one question after a man died: 'Did he have passion?'"
-Serendipity

The Man

That unseen, unheard government body, existing only to lead people along without them ever knowing it.  The Panopticon, the virtual prison wherein no one knows that they are a slave.  People have hinted at the existence of The Man probably for hundreds of years.  Conspiracy theorists love to get excited and agitated at the mention of the cult of the illuminated, at a government that is monitoring our every move, watching us while we sleep.  And people are starting to buy into it.  They wonder if our government is out there to help us, or out to get us, to wait until we mess up and then let the other shoe fall.

I despise it.  The whole thought.  Not because it isn't true.  I'm sure that secret societies exist, and it wouldn't surprise me if they had more power and influence than we want to think about.  Not because I believe every government official and political candidate to be completely altruistic.  I am an idealist, but not by that far a margin.  No, the reason why I dislike these ideas fall into two categories.

First, these people are in power because we agree that they should be there.  Say what you will about the Democratic system of Government, but in the end it comes down simply to a choice.  The same thing happens to giving in to mass media, the craze to buy everything on TV or agreeing with everything spoken by our News anchors.  It is the responsibility of the People to ensure the ideas of Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness laid out in the Declaration of Independence.  And when we as a nation sit idly by, then the blame for our situation is on ourselves, and not some mysterious cult or government organization.

The second reason is just as important, if not more so.  The people who attempt to drive fear into the hearts of Americans are giving those who seek to destroy our nation exactly what they want.  The way to defeat terror, in my opinion, has always been with hope and trust.  If we grow fearful of each other, fearful of our government, fearful of our neighbors, then we have already lost.  As human beings we have a responsibility to ourselves and each other to remain hopeful when the easy course is to despair.  Giving in to fear has never solved any problems, and has only incited outrage and hostility.

The idea of a corrupted government is one that many people enjoy.  It provides a scapegoat, someone to blame for our troubles and problems.  But the blame is on ourselves as American citizens and human beings for not being responsible for our own actions.  Hitler used people's desires to blame others with great success, an act which is now seen as one of the most horrific events in human history.  That is what happens when people give in to fear and terror, when they are unwilling to take responsibility for their own place in life.  We must learn to become responsible once again, lest we too fall into such a horrific moment in history.

"We will not walk in fear, one of another.  We will not be driven by fear into an age of unreason.  If we dig deep into our history and our doctrine, we will remember we are not descended from fearful men.  Not from men who dared to write, to speak, to associate and to defend causes that were for the moment unpopular."
-Edward Murrow

Bad Advice

I try not to be the kind of person who gives advice to everyone he meets.  As seldom as I know what to do with my own life, I enjoy the task of figuring it out for myself.  I like finding the answer on my own, and it annoys me when others simply give the answer to me.  Moreover, I tend to be rather secretive, and I think that people often try to give advice to others without always knowing what's going on in that person's mind.  Just because you had a bad relationship once does not immediately entitle you to understand or speak into my own bad relationship.  I often listen to advice that is being given me to be polite, and then make my own choice anyway.

But lately I have noticed people giving what I consider to be genuinely bad advice.  The phrase "You just have to do what's best for you," scares me, not because it is wrong to say it, but because people often have no idea what is best for them.  People often believe that the easiest thing to do is the best thing to do, and they could not be more wrong.  And when people ask the question "And what is the best thing for me," the answer is usually something along the lines of "Whatever feels right."  Again people mistake that for meaning "Whatever feels easy."

People in dire situations often look for a way out.  We often think that life has got to be easier than this, that the rest of the world (or at least the rest of America) is off living the dream.  The easy thing to do is to try to run away.  The easy advice to give is to tell them to get the hell out of there because it is hurting them.  But that simply is not always the right thing to do.  My advice?  Instead of telling people to run away from their problems and "do what's best for them," give them the courage and strength to face their problems and fears.  It requires more work, a level of compassion and vulnerability on everyone's part.  We do not grow by doing the easy things, by always working for ourselves.  Instead, we grow by staying in the fight, with the storm raging all around.

The next time someone comes to you looking for a way out, hoping that you'll tell them that it will be in their best interest to take the easy road, do this:  Put your hands on their shoulders and look them straight in the eye, and tell them plainly and simply "You know what you have to do.  I am with you all the way.  I've got your back.  Now it's time for you to belly up to the bar and do what must be done."  It isn't easy; saying those words and following through with them takes much more than a simple one-liner.

In the end, it isn't about what you say.  Advice has so little to do with the words that come out of your mouth that it is almost laughable.  What people need is compassion and companionship.  If you offer those, then no words ever need be spoken.  But it requires more catchy phrases.  It requires hard work.

"E pleribus unum, my friends.  Sine qua non."
-Andrew Jackson

All Over Again

There is an age-old question.  I imagine that people have been asking it since people began talking to one another.  It usually goes something like this:  If you could have lived your life over again, would you have made the same choices you did?  It's a loaded question to be sure, with implications and subtleties that many miss on first glance, or will answer before thinking it through.  If I say yes, does that mean that I'm unhappy with my life?  Would life really be better, or simply different?  Is that necessarily a good thing?  Is it a bad thing?

With a little energon and a lot of luck, I'll be done with classes here at Emmanuel in less than a year.  And I don't really have a plan.  I know where my interests lie, what I would like to do or not like to do, but there is no clear cut answer when people ask The Question.  I simply don't know.  All I can say is that I continuously feel as if I am being led.  I have been led to the place where I am now.  When I think about some of the choices I made through the years, I am amazed at what events transpired to land me in East Tennessee.

There are days when I would say no to that first question, that I would have made different choices than I did.  For some of them, I say that because I have a pretty good idea as to what would have happened, and I like those thoughts.  For others, I have no idea what would have happened.  What if I had studied at a different University?  What if I had never met Blur?  They sound silly and innocuous, but trust me when I say that only the barest of chances led me into those choices.  What if I had moved to Johnson City and never met Anthony?  What if I had refused to move into the Village?

It is inevitable, as you make choices in life, that you will close some doors, that there will be paths you will never walk down, opportunities never taken.  There are days when, for me, it is difficult because I can see those paths lived out through my friends.  Out of all the weddings between people at the Shack, I have never been in one.  There are reasons, and good ones, as to why, and I am not here to be bitter or criticizing.  But it shows me, rather plainly, what I have missed because of the choices I have made.

Would I do it all over again?  I want to say no.  I want to say that I would have chosen to stay with my friends, to live a happy, fulfilling life.  I want to say that I would laugh and drink and enjoy the company of those around me, that I would have continued to build up friendships started nearly a decade ago.  It sounds pleasant enough, doesn't it?  Picturesque in it's own way.  Earning a Ph.D in chemistry, playing with lasers, enjoying Sundays at the Manor eating hamburgers and watching movies.

Would I do it all over again?  The answer is yes.  Knowing that there are days when I sorely miss my friends in Columbia.  Knowing that there are days when I feel like I have no plan whatsoever, that I gave up a decent life to take a blind leap.  Knowing that there are days that hurt, and times when I cry.  The answer is yes.  Of course this sparks the question of why.  And the answer is simple.  Reading between the lines gives the answer away.  Because I have faith.  I would chose the same not because it has been easy, not even because it has always been rewarding, but because I believe that it has been just what I need.  Not what I want, these choices have not always been my desire.  As I said before, however, I feel led.  I often feel as if I have lost my way.  And every time I do, Christ is there to take my hand and lead me down the path that is set out just for me.  All I have to do is follow.

Karma

The last couple of days have been a roller coaster ride.  I'm not going to get into any details, mostly because I do not want to go through all of them again in my head.  But today I have the day off... which means I have a ton of errands I need to run to make the world right again.

I am learning to find the good in situations that could otherwise be described as terrible.  I am learning, slowly, to let fear and worry go.  In short, I am learning to give things up.  Not so much to quit, that's not what I'm talking about.  Rather, I mean relying on God, on giving my struggles and pain up to God.  My father and my Father are reminding me that situations do tend to have a silver lining.  Usually it's difficult to see when you're standing in the middle of the raging storm, but trust me, it's there.

I ran across a chilling fact last week, that has had a good deal of influence upon me in the last few days.  The girl that I was interested in, the one I had been hanging out with for the last few weeks, is an atheist.  I didn't know and never would have guessed.  My emotions ran the gamut, and then settled themselves down.  I realized that I couldn't really date her any more.  Christianity is such a large part of who I am, and I can not imagine being with someone who doesn't share that conviction.  And I realized that I was convicted about it.  I do not consider myself conservative, but I never want that confused with a lack of conviction.  The interesting thing is that all of my defenses of Christianity, any apologetics I might know, left me in that moment.  Maybe I just need time.  I never believe that it is my job to convince someone that Christianity is correct.  I merely present the case; in the end every person has to decide for themselves.  She chose reason, tangibility; she willingly chose not to take that leap of faith.  So maybe it isn't that I failed as much as I realized that words simply were not going to do anything in that situation except create a rift in the friendship that still exists.

Advice should be given in two circumstances:  when it is asked for and when it is a life or death situation.  Maybe this is a life and death situation; but I think she knows what advice I would give.  Once again, I'm giving this up.  I'm not quitting, but relying on God to use me when the time is right.  And maybe then life will come back around.

All A Swirl

There are a number of different ideas floating through my head right now, but that really is not different from most days.

It is now officially summertime, in that sense that classes are over and my responsibilities have reduced greatly.  I spent the day doing nothing.  I left the house once, to get a movie from Blockbuster.  The apartment needs cleaning (though it's fair to say that it always needs cleaning), so I think I'll probably work on that once I finish here.  But the point is that it's just been lazy.  And I don't really remember how to deal with it.

I remember wanting the stress of school to be over.  I remember the desire for days when I had nothing to think about or worry about, days when I could relax and do whatever I wanted.  And now that the day has finally arrived, there is a part of me that wants something to do.  Without accomplishment, I feel like a husk rather than a person.  I wonder if I need stress in my life.  I shudder at the thought.

Don't get me wrong, I have very much enjoyed my lazy day, and look forward to more of them.  But unlike Ron Livingston in Office Space, I cannot just sit around every day, doing nothing, and feel good about myself.  I am a goal oriented person, and I need accomplishment in order to feel like I really am improving myself.

I don't think this idea is bad, because I never want to indicate that laziness is a virtue.  But I also believe that it is indicative of the fact that Americans live way too much off stress.  We get a sense of self based on how busy we are, and we judge others by how many different groups, activities, sports or meetings they have to attend in a given week.  The ability to live off of four hours of sleep a night is applauded, instead of looked at with a sense of concern.  We need to learn how to slow down and enjoy the ride just a little bit more.  I know it is a constant struggle within my own life... that sense of always having to get to the next thing, of not wanting to miss out, of the prestige accompanying busyness.

In short, we as Americans need to learn how to take time out for ourselves, to truly take a day off.  I know I've said this before, but it's something that is on the front of my mind as I enter summer break.  So go chase some fireflies barefoot in the back yard.  Enjoy a walk with a pet, or a ride in the car with a friend and some good music.  Trust me when I say that you've earned it.

Jesus was a person who could have easily busied Himself with everyone who was crowding around Him.  But He chose instead to retreat constantly; across the sea, up a mountain, deeper into the garden, so that He could have moments of rest and peace.  Aren't we called to mimic Him?  Then why do we care more about the appearance of a busy schedule, of sunken eyes and caffeine jitters than we do about peace, about time with friends and family, about time away to talk to God?

One Down... More To Go

I just finished my 15 page paper for my Africa class.

I have talked about finding the strength to finish this semester strong.  Until about an hour ago, it was more bluster than an actual belief that I could finish all of this.  It is a strange thing to live in fear.  It is a strange thing to lack the motivation to soldier on.  There was a point when I was ready to simply give up, to walk away from it all.  I thought I had reached the point of no return.  Part of me was afraid of what would happen, and another part of me really didn't care.  Now, in light of this major task finished, it feels as if the rest of the next two weeks will be easy by comparison.  Suddenly I am not fearful of what tomorrow might bring, but hopeful once again.

Listening to "May it be" by Enya only serves to remind me of the fact that there will be hard times in my life, but that these obstacles are surmountable.  I am reminded of Frodo and Sam, making their way up the side of Mount Doom, so close to the end of their journey, their terrible quest to rid the world of that symbol of greed and corruption.  As much as I admire the passage of the triumphal return of Aragorn, there is something indescribably powerful about the moment shared by the two hobbits in Mordor.  Despite the prowess, grace, power, compassion or courage of any of the other members of the fellowship, or even the characters in the story, I find myself drawn to a single line given by Frodo:  "I'm glad to be with you, Samwise Gamgee, here at the end of all things."  If only I had that unfaltering determination, the ability to accompany those whom I love into the very gates of Hell, to unflinchingly accept my fate in order to maintain the bonds of fellowship and brotherhood exemplified by the short individual from the Shire.

The ability to see "it" through to the end, to stand beside.  I had, for a time at least, lost that determination without ever realizing it.  I pray, now that I realize my lapse, that I will maintain that determination, the ability to stare difficulty and hardship in the eye and not back down.  And maybe, just maybe, if I remain unflinching in my conviction and stalwart in my faith, I too will hear those words...

I'm glad to be with you, here at the end of all things.

And Counting

I am now in the process of measuring my life by the number of pages I have left to write before the semester is over.  I only have 2 finals, and I am really not afraid of either one of them.  I'm not scared of the papers either (except for paper cuts, those are deadly!), but I'm simply more aware of them at the moment.  As Ryan said, this is that time to buckle down and just get it done.  Now I just need the willpower to not spend all of my time on Facebook applications or Youtube videos.  I'll get it done one way or the other, I have no doubt about that.  But it would be nice to get some sleep Thursday night, or next week sometime.

Last Thursday was ascension Thursday... the day we believe Jesus was taken up into Heaven.  In a way it's a sad part of the story.  Jesus, the guide and teacher is now gone, and we're left to do the rest of the work.  These men and women who had been following Jesus around, listening to Him and beginning to put their faith in Him, now have the responsibility thrust thoroughly in their hands, and they are terrified.  I can relate.  The best part about the ascension, to me, is not that Jesus is leaving, but that He is, in fact, not leaving us.

Aaron Wymer once said, when asked about why Christianity is the religion he ascribes to, Christianity is unique because Jesus chose to suffer, not just for us, but with us.  He not only died on the Cross on our behalf, but He chooses to be with us every day of our lives.  When faced with a terrible situation or lacking the ability to go on, Jesus is there with an outstretched hand, offering not only salvation, but also companionship.  When we feel lost, Jesus is the Way who leads us back.  When we are sure that no one can love us, Jesus' compassion abounds.  When we feel unclean, dirty, sinful, ashamed, fearful, downtrodden and sick, Jesus is there.  It is not just the fact that He died, or even that He rose again that makes Christianity so powerful.  It is the fact that the same Jesus who did those things walks beside each of us when we are sure that no one is willing to.

"And remember, I am with you always, to the end of the age."
-Jesus, Matthew 28.20b

Discouraged

It's often described as a vicious cycle, and so it is.

I have been discouraged this entire semester.  I can blame it on a number of different things, but in the end it comes down to the fact that I lacked motivation.  As deadlines approached, then passed by, the lethargy led to discouragement.  Part of me didn't care enough, but another part of me felt shame.  Shame for not caring, shame for not doing the work that I knew I could do.  This led to discouragement.  As time passed, I continually felt like I was letting down everyone.

I could give other examples from the past few months to show that it hasn't been just school that I feel as if I have let others down, or even let myself down.  The real problem with discouragement is that it rarely influences only one aspect of our lives.  Rather it spreads from one activity to another, feeding on itself, making us feel more downtrodden as we feel that we have less and less to offer.  It is a dangerous malady, and one that affects more people than we would really like to admit.

The answer to discouragement is as simple as it is difficult to follow:  get up and do something.  Many people think that we should coddle those who are discouraged.  This is a bad idea.  Discouraged people do not need pity.  They may be looking for it, but it is not what they need.  They need to know, to believe for themselves that they have worth.  To make that happen, you must allow them, force them sometimes to do something worthwhile.  Certainly accountability, camaraderie and encouragement are helpful, sometimes necessary tools.  But when it comes down to it, they have to do it themselves.

Discouragement is fought with hard work, and to pull yourself up out from discouragement takes patience, strength and determination.  Having faith never hurt either.  But overcoming fear and beating back discouragement and despair is one of the most rewarding battles you will ever fight.

Letting Go

School is difficult for me right now.  There are a number of reasons why, some of them valid while others have to do with selfishness or laziness.  I feel less like I am progressing through my program and more like I am just waiting for it to be over.  That's not a good way to view any situation, but especially not one like this.

I miss a lot of things.  I miss days when I wasn't stressed out from the time I woke up until the time I went to bed.  I miss days where I could sleep in until 10:00.  I miss nights where I got more than six hours of sleep.  I miss days when I didn't feel like I was letting others down.  I miss days when I felt productive.  I miss days when I was excited about school and learning, instead of dreading them.

Part of me wants to quit Seminary.  Part of me just wants to crawl into a hole and wish for the good old days.  But I've never really been one to give up.  I've been down and I've felt beaten, but I've never been conquered, never out.  This too will pass, and I'll make it out the other side.

My problem is that for all of the leisure, all of the pleasure I've been trying to coax out of life, I've forgotten joy.  I've left peace by the wayside in search of temporary relief.  I simply haven't made up my mind to be happy again.  That doesn't mean that the papers will suddenly write themselves or that my money problems will go away, I know that.  But I also know that a change in mindset does more for health and growth and well-being than any little pill.

Life is about more than just grim determination, more than just slogging through the days.  Life, in the true sense of the word is captured when we make up our minds to enjoy it.  Living water is given to us not when we accomplish our goals, but when we realize the peace that comes from choosing the right goals to accomplish.

Most recently, I've learned that there are some things that you need to hang on to, and there are some things you need to simply let go of.  The things which you can control, take ownership of.  And those that you can't, let them go.